Into the Hands of Strangers

My senses are heightened. Must be because the cold is falling off. The numbness is subsiding…when I watch TV, I find myself either laughing profusely with tears falling down my face or my body tensing up, my eyes wide open and my mouth dropping to the floor when something traumatic is going on. I’m even experiencing maternal instincts…I’m 40 and this is new to me. I think this came about because I’ve been opening the lid to my past – a lid that was screwed, nailed, taped and glued shut so tight it couldn’t be opened.

....So, last night I think I’ll just quickly peruse the court documents before bed (bold move). The ones that just arrived in the mail – batch 2. Court Clerk sent me the whole 2nd half of my time in hell. Instead of quietly and hurriedly succeeding at this simple task, however, I find myself holding back the tears as I sob for fear I’ll awaken my partner, my friend, my life, MandM who has already retired for the night. My whole existence has consisted of this behavior – repressing then forgetting that it happened. Tonight, however, I read the words, saw the names of my family members: my twin who had been separated from me, my mom who had abandoned me, and my dad (days from passing) who tried to get me and keep me – more than once – and consistently failed. I’m reading these documents as if they are from a story book. I see these characters displayed on the pages and am saddened by what exudes from their state of being. Who are they that they have to suffer? They’re too young. Nobody at that age should have to go through such tragedies.

Then just like that, their mom is gone – the Courts have pushed her aside – and their dad gone too, not by will, but by the forces working against him. These girls have no choice but to fall into the hands of the legal system; into the hands of strangers.

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