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Oct 10, 2007

Into the Hands of Strangers

My senses are heightened. Must be because the cold is falling off. The numbness is subsiding…when I watch TV, I find myself either laughing profusely with tears falling down my face or my body tensing up, my eyes wide open and my mouth dropping to the floor when something traumatic is going on. I’m even experiencing maternal instincts…I’m 40 and this is new to me. I think this came about because I’ve been opening the lid to my past – a lid that was screwed, nailed, taped and glued shut so tight it couldn’t be opened.

....So, last night I think I’ll just quickly peruse the court documents before bed (bold move). The ones that just arrived in the mail – batch 2. Court Clerk sent me the whole 2nd half of my time in hell. Instead of quietly and hurriedly succeeding at this simple task, however, I find myself holding back the tears as I sob for fear I’ll awaken my partner, my friend, my life, MandM who has already retired for the night. My whole existence has consisted of this behavior – repressing then forgetting that it happened. Tonight, however, I read the words, saw the names of my family members: my twin who had been separated from me, my mom who had abandoned me, and my dad (days from passing) who tried to get me and keep me – more than once – and consistently failed. I’m reading these documents as if they are from a story book. I see these characters displayed on the pages and am saddened by what exudes from their state of being. Who are they that they have to suffer? They’re too young. Nobody at that age should have to go through such tragedies.

Then just like that, their mom is gone – the Courts have pushed her aside – and their dad gone too, not by will, but by the forces working against him. These girls have no choice but to fall into the hands of the legal system; into the hands of strangers.

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4 peanuts say:

Polly Kahl said...

This saddens me for you, as well as taking me back to a similar time that was difficult for me. Getting our hands on those old records is painful, but so helpful in the long run. I hope you can let yourself be just as sad about it as you need to be.
{{{hugs}}} to you!

Rhonda said...

Hey, first, thank you for leaving me some comments on my blog the past few WW. I really appreciate it. Also... hang in there. I have been reading about your court case and all that you are re-living.

Hang in there.

XOXO

Mama Pajama said...

Wow. You are going through a lot right now. Stay strong and good luck with everything.

Dorothy said...

My heart goes out to you.
I also came by to tell you I put the chiming clock back on my sidebar. I took it off when I went pink and just for you, I put it back on.

Hugs...